She's gone

 I'm not sure how I feel, As of monday 1-12-09 I have felt this feeling of she won't be with us much longer. 6:06 this morning the phone call made it final. Picking up the phone hearing my mothers voice gave me some relief till she asked for my dad, I couldn't help but stay on the phone (curiosity killed the cat) then I heard the two words I have been trying to avoid "she's gone".. My world crashed right then and there. My mothers voice came rushing back to my head, I wanted to start crying. My mother starts to talk to my dad, saying she went in her sleep. At 1:36 L.A time my mother texted me saying "sorry honey.. nothing has changed with grandma she still fighting and we are just waiting and hoping.. I will call you late today I love you :)", Didn't read that message till after she called this morning telling me she is gone. None of this seems real to me, I feel blank, like my body doesn't know how to react to this yet. I know I am leaving for London soon to be with my family. I think that will be over well-meaning. This is the first person I have ever lost that means something or has added so much to my life. She was the most amazing person I have ever met. From the time I was small she was the only person I looked up to. She was and always will be a fighter. I know she is in a better place, thats what everyone says to make you feel better, the better place was here with us. It's so unreal, I feel like I made this all up in my head, Like I am trying to pitch a movie to you or something. I feel like I am sitting here writing a scene for a movie or something. The reality of it all hit on Monday, and that feeling of I don't even know the word for what I feel right now. I have no idea how I am going to handle this when I really sinks in, I haven't been ready to say good bye, and i'm still not ready. but I guess it doesn't matter I have to now, I love you soo much, and  I know you know that, I just wish I could of told you one last time.