They want to get to know me, 18years of living in that house and they know nothing about me ut my name, school and who I am wiht. Other then that they know nothing. Sad but true. So the next few weeks or month we are re-staring are relationship. Re starting are"family" they both feel that this is out of controle but feel this is the only way to really figure out who I am. I'v said i'm sorry for to long, and i'm done I am who I am. Yes there are things about myself I have to change and I have. I have changed a lot about my self. ( its all thanks to you) I have become the person I am most happy with, and I thik they will be too. I'm done with lieing to them, Done with hiding myself. I am who I am, and the next few weeks they will learn who that is. Most of you know who I truly am, Some more then others.
AM I a bad person? Stupid, goofy, crazy, outgoing, and sometimes in my own world. The people who know me best love that about me, and hopefully they will to, If not come graduation day, they never have to see me again. ( i'm done hiding behind a mask)

Don't let this be the end. Its going to be harder then I thought but worth it in the end... I can't lose you.

(Despite the walls you build, I’m here you don’t have to be on your own)

Gilda Radner:
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.


I guess this is how it ends...

So I guess this is how it is

Lost everything yesterday. When I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. It's my own fault. I'm not sure when al; this will be over and done with. Hopefully some time soon. I have to change the type of person I am. I knew I wasn't going to be the person they wanted, an now that they have come to realize it it's come to this...

I'm not a Materialistic person, So I don't care about the stuff I lost, I care about the person I'm going to lose, the relationship I had with people. Intime it will regrow but never be the same. Thats the worst part of it all -_-

I'm sorry for all of this
hopefully It doesn't last as long as the say it will

“With insomnia, nothing is real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.” - Fight Club

Most of you know me as Kris

A Formal Introduction,
Hello, I am Kris (Kristianna).  I write far better than I speak.  I come off as more confident than I actually am.  I contradict myself at times, and change my mind far too often.  I make more mistakes in a day than I can count and I spend quite a bit of time just thinking.  I dream of love and revenge and puzzle pieces coming together.  I am certainly no saint, but I am trying to be a good person.  I am human and I am broken.  I see beauty in the simplest things.  I am just another flawed individual in this great big mess of a world.

P.S
If you are not happy with the way your life seems to be going, then why not change it around? It may seem impossible, but little changes can make such a difference. Maybe alter your sleeping pattern. Make a new friend. Drop a class or take a fresh one on. Find a hobby. Small things like this can make a significant impact. Still, when it comes down to it, nothing can make you happy but yourself. A change of location, a new beginning, a long-anticipated happening; all of these things may appear to hold the keys to peace of mind, but true happiness has to start with YOU. No matter where you go or who steps into your life, things will always remain the same unless you choose otherwise.

Hmm

“If you’re convinced that you’re not good enough, you’ll have a hard time letting someone into your life that thinks you are.”

How many people can answer this honestly?

hahaha
Thank you for being there when I needed someone most
:)

“How much of human life is lost in waiting?”

The more I think about things and try to figure them out, the more I realize that I don’t know a thing.  My mind is always attempting to dissect everything it comes across; but what’s the point?  I don’t need to have everything figured out.  I don’t need to have an answer to every question.  All I need to do is ride the wave and accept what comes.  Understanding will present itself along the way.

Aww

Untitled from Kristianna L. on Vimeo.


Illa from Kristianna L. on Vimeo.

Left Alone

I feel Like I am Free Falling in my own Emotions, I have never felt so alone in my life. It gets harder and harder as time goes by. Tomorrow is the day, not ready for this. Its going to be okay, thats all I can say to myself, Be strong, everyone here needs you to keep your head up. But as the emotions pile up my head gets heavier and heavier.
Feeling Left alone.

On A Happier Note..



Today is the day of change
crazy stuff

When All you have is yourself

Days will come and go.  Both happiness and despair are fleeting, and chances are that what you are feeling in this moment will not be present by tomorrow.  At the time, an emotion may seem like the only thing which exists.  It can feel all-consuming, but the truth is that it is only another sentiment.  This too shall pass; and it always does.  If you are going through a difficult time, remind yourself of this.  Eventually it will be just another memory behind you.  And if you are content for now, hold on to that.  Everything passes.  Nothing is permanent.  Embrace the good and make it worth remembering; Know that the bad will not linger forever.

London

Safe and Sound 

“I think all of us want to feel something that we’ve forgotten or turned our backs on, because maybe we didn’t realize how much we were leaving behind. We need to remember what used to be good. If we don’t, we won’t recognize it even if it hits us between the eyes.”

I leave to day

Not something I want to do, The one thing I feared the most has happened. I feel alone In this, and the one person who makes me feel as if everything is and will be okay. I'm going to miss you, more and more everyday. Ever second that I can talk to you I will.You have helped me threw this a lot and I wish you could be here with me. (WIthout you I'm just me)  I will be back Next week Thursday.

Leaving Tomorrow

“It’s amazing how you realize when you lose someone, you get mad at yourself for not saying the things that you could’ve a million times. You take for granted the days spent doing nothing, when you could’ve been with them. Anyone can be taken at any time in our lives but we always wait until they’re gone to say the things we never had the courage to before.”

 I love you, And It hurts I won't hear you say it back one last time 

She's gone

 I'm not sure how I feel, As of monday 1-12-09 I have felt this feeling of she won't be with us much longer. 6:06 this morning the phone call made it final. Picking up the phone hearing my mothers voice gave me some relief till she asked for my dad, I couldn't help but stay on the phone (curiosity killed the cat) then I heard the two words I have been trying to avoid "she's gone".. My world crashed right then and there. My mothers voice came rushing back to my head, I wanted to start crying. My mother starts to talk to my dad, saying she went in her sleep. At 1:36 L.A time my mother texted me saying "sorry honey.. nothing has changed with grandma she still fighting and we are just waiting and hoping.. I will call you late today I love you :)", Didn't read that message till after she called this morning telling me she is gone. None of this seems real to me, I feel blank, like my body doesn't know how to react to this yet. I know I am leaving for London soon to be with my family. I think that will be over well-meaning. This is the first person I have ever lost that means something or has added so much to my life. She was the most amazing person I have ever met. From the time I was small she was the only person I looked up to. She was and always will be a fighter. I know she is in a better place, thats what everyone says to make you feel better, the better place was here with us. It's so unreal, I feel like I made this all up in my head, Like I am trying to pitch a movie to you or something. I feel like I am sitting here writing a scene for a movie or something. The reality of it all hit on Monday, and that feeling of I don't even know the word for what I feel right now. I have no idea how I am going to handle this when I really sinks in, I haven't been ready to say good bye, and i'm still not ready. but I guess it doesn't matter I have to now, I love you soo much, and  I know you know that, I just wish I could of told you one last time. 

Outside the box

I think maybe the real tragedy in this life is that we can never, no matter how many drugs we ingest or books we read, see the world through someone else’s mind. There is no door leading into John Malkovich’s brain. The mind you’re born with is the one you’ll die with, regardless of how you change or grow. And you modify, detract, mutilate, sculpt or otherwise reimagine your corporeal entity any which way from Sunday, and you can find religion and watch a documentary and live in another country but you’ll always still be you. You never get to see what the bus looks like from the under the hood of the stranger sitting next to you. The closest we can possibly come, if ever coming close, is to communicate, is to reach and ask someone, “What do you see? What do you feel? How can you have come to be?” And when you consider the staggering multitude of answers that can come washing in from every corner of every kind of existence available to be communicated with, you’ll understand why this world is disgustingly, heartbreakingly, jaw-clenchingly beautiful. I keep asking, I keep seeing.

And I won’t say I haven’t been hurt, or that I’m not hurting, but there was this quote in No Country For Old Men about how in order to fight the evil, a sheriff has to be complicit, he has to agree that he is part of the world where this evil exists. Well I want to see it, I want to know it. Even the dark parts. Even the hurt. Even what tears your mind to shreds while you’re curled up in the fetal position in the bathroom of your apartment, alone, at 3 AM because of a lost oppurtunity. Even the heart-pounding nausea and dread that comes with those moments when you remember your own mortality and the shortness left in your particular coil. Even the… I’m digressing.

Here’s what matters: getting as far as I can away from where I started. I don’t mean physically. Not just NY. Nor the U.S. I mean stretching my fingers to see what my wingspan is, stretching some more, stretching until it feels like my tendons might snap, and then taking off.

And it saddens me that I could never climb into your mind, and live a day inside you, so that I could see it all in a way entirely outside of myself. Sometimes it crushes me. That I never get outside of this mind of mine, that I’m not allowed to be anyone else but me. And I can change me, and I do, quite frequently, And I’m still me, no matter what color my hair is or what my weight is or what color reigns queen supreme in my closet. Because I’ll still only ever have this frame of conciousness

I’m not entirely knocking myself here though. I happen to think I have an excellent sense of humor, and a very good talent for finding and loving those things in this world that are absurd. And I do love them, I do. And to me, this is what matters. Because I can’t put all my eggs in the basket, so I try to allot worth carefully in this life, here, now. If there isn’t another shot I don’t ever want to look back and say, “I should have cared more.”

So I’ll leave myself open to it all, to everything, though sometimes there’s so much stimulus that my head pounds and my nerves recoil in shock. Though I walk around with a perpetual lump in the throat or bursting out laughing inappropriately, I will not write off anything or anyone. Because I would hate for that to be me. Because no one is the supporting player in their story. And because even though I think it’s really truly sort of tragic that we can’t ever get to see the world from any other perch but the one we’re resting on, I’m going to get as close to outside of me as I can.

I'm not sure what I want to say

I am uncovering parts of myself that I was never aware of, and it’s all a bit overwhelming. Life has been throwing a lot of self-realization my way recently, and I often have trouble making it all out. I write. I talk to those I trust with my feelings. I listen to what others have to say and keep an open mind. Still, at the end of the day I only have myself to answer to. No paper. No pens. No people to validate my existence. And when I am alone with myself, I get the best look at who I am and who I am becoming. Keeping my head up, can't get the voice out of my head. I think that hardest part is waiting. I can't handle this much longer. I just want the voice to stop.

Never Been that type of person

I don't like asking people for help or having them around when I am feeling helpless and weak. For some reason yesterday wasn't like that. I opened up, I broke down in someone arms. Thats not me, That has never been me, and I told myself that would never be me.  I run away from people or put a smile on and tell them everything is going to be okay, Yesterday wasn't like that. Yesterday hit to hard, was to real and out of my control. I don't know or want to begin to think what would of wen ton if I was alone yesterday. Thank you for being there for me, every hug, kiss, and smile helped me more then you know, with all the thoughts and feelings going threw my head you helped me grab control. I don't know what I would of done without you yesterday. Im going on and on about the same thing, but I really want you to know how much it means to me that you were there for me when I realized I was all alone. Having to deal with my random..ness.. I know its only going to get harder ( lets hope not) but we both know how bad this is. I loved you for being there when it felt like no one else was.
You mean the world to me, thank you again

I'm Not Ready to say good bye

I have never had to say good bye to some one that means this much to me, I'm not sure how to feel or what to think. My mind is running wild and I can't control what happens next . My body feel cold. I can't stop myself from crying. I can;t stop myself from wishing I was there. I'm not ready to say goodbye I'm not ready to let go. MY mothers voice keeps replying in my head over and over again, This morning was the worst morning hearing my mother cry. Running out of my bed to her side. I have never felt so sacred before, going o sleep my last thought was she is going to be okay, she is going to pull threw, and now this.

I love you... But I can't say good bye just yet, not like this.

The Older the better :)

Come With me?

I want to backpack across Europe. I want be lost in the beauty of the archeticure. I want to run barefoot on the sand of Spain. I want to dance in the rain under the Eiffel Tower. I want to scream on top of my lungs on a top of the tour bus in London. I want to sit in silence while riding a Gondola in Vienna. I want to have a picnic in Vienna. I want to play hide in seek within the ruins of Greece. I want my life’s journey to start already…

p.s Im hungry as hell right now,

Not Letting my fears Hold Me back

Fear is trying to wrap its chains around me, and loss is attempting to have the last laugh. This only makes me more determined to carry on. It amazes me how a single day can contain so many emotions.  It’s beautiful and heartbreaking and real, and that is really all I could ask for.  The good comes with bad, and there is a certain freedom in not chemically altering what life throws my way.  I’m letting the waves carry me, and it’s making for one hell of a ride. I could get used to this 

Shit Happens not much you can do about it but lay back relax and enjoy the ride

10-9-08
today makes 3 :)

At a Lost for words

People fade, like colors in a storybook.  I can’t make up my mind if I want to hold on or not.  The weight in my heart begs me to do so and then tortures me when I try.  I know that things cannot be the same; evolving with them is a crown of thorns.  Her, him, them, us—it’s all paint mixed together.  The brightest days remind me how intricate the picture is.  I often wonder whose signature claims all of this.  
I think too much.  I love too much and I hate too much.  I question too much and hide too much.  If these things define me, I am nothing but stranger in the mirror.  Life has carried me so far from what I thought I knew.

I need it at this point

I want a new tattoo more then anything. My back and my hips and I will be happy.

Adding color to my canvas

If tears were an artists colours, then my brush would be my heart. The paint I cry out on the street will be a canvas of release; only to fade over time beneath the feet of wandering zombies. Step inside the gallery of my mind. The only thing I ask is for no rose petal glasses, for my heart excludes the eyes of shepherds, and no desire for review. Just look, is all I ask. As if you were watching the clouds take shape before your eyes. My work is just the same. No vivid detail or constructive technique. Cryptic simplicity; it takes shape the deeper you delve. My charm has stemmed from walks of life, and thrives on sweet deprivation. It could be a beautiful silhouette in the night, leering you in for a closer look. But the chase for such glory ends when the sun comes out, and its beauty disappears. The paint you cry out on the street is a canvas of release. I’ll just be another stranger in the night, but no zombie I will be. I’ll look in awe of your walk of life, and be grateful our tears crossed paths.

Inspiration

I am one at war with myself. That which is etched in concrete takes new meaning daily, and I am always one step away from knowing myself completely. I think that it is better like this. If I had myself figured out, where would the adventure be? What would I learn and how would I grow? I prefer self-discovery to content self-deception. These little realizations concerning the workings of my mind never cease to surprise and it gives me something to constantly look forward to.

My Apologies

I never understood when people said "I'll never be enough". You are who you are, yes everyone can change for them self or for others but does that really mean that they are "enough"? If you give your all to someone or to anything you do then isn't that enough? The title of this is "My Apologies" because the past few days have proved to me that the people that mean the most to me will never be satisfied with me.I want to be more then enough for them, for someone, something or anything. I'm loosing my confidences (for now), I'm never good enough for anyone Never do the right thing. My all is never what they want. I want to go back to my old ways and just give up, run away and not worry about anyone else but myself. I'm not like that i was like that at a very low time in my life. I'm at the point of giving up, I have no idea how to make every single person in my life satisfied. If its not my mom or dad its my relationship, if its not my relationship its school. The list will keep going and going. Why stick around? I ask myself that everyday. Who really cares if I stay here or not. They all complain about how I don't do things the way they want to, so why stick with me? I'm in a really bad state of mind right now. I show that I care the most to the top four people in my life and not one of them realize it. From day one I have dropped everything for them that I have and have been willing to go to the end of the earth for them. Two out of the four I understand how they feel the way they do, Im mending are relationship every second i get. The other two out of the four, have no idea what I do for them, what I would give to make sure that smile never comes off there face. I can't handle this anymore "I'm no superman" I try so hard to do everything you ask me to do, and more. Yet they still want more.What more can I give you my heart? you all have that. I give you my 150% ever second and that still isn't enough. i don't fight, I don't give, I don't care. Really? How do I not?! I'm thinking to much into it. I have to face the fact that I am and never will be enough for any of you. No wonder i get treated the way I do. i'm a push over, a sap. They say "never talk your self down, it gives people even more of a reason to talk down to you". A part of me wants to go back to my old ways. I am In many ways like the man i hate the most, Cold hearted and emotionless. I hated myself more then anything when I got to that point. I am going out of my mind. I have no control over anything anymore. I want to give up,but is it worth it? I am truly sorry that I am and never will be enough for any of you. I am who i am and know that I give my all to you, Know that I don't want to do this anymore this constant battle between myself and all of you. None of you are perfect. If you were, you would be trying to help me with this stupid battle, instead you add on to it and make me feel lower and lower to the ground. More Then anything I really wish you appreciated the effort I am putting in all of this.

This is all out of anger and frustration, another reason as to why this post is titled "My Apologies"
Don't take this to heart I am Venting,



Everyday - I try and I try and I try - But everybody wants to put me down They say I’m goin’ crazy They say I got a lot of water in my brain Got no common sense I got nobody left to believe~Queen.

Tonight it belongs to you

Just watching this is making my heart beat faster and faster Like I am there all over again. I started the year off with bang just like I new I would. 10, 9, 8 we all stood up and looked around, waved good bye to 2008 and welcomed in 2009. Kissed the person you were next to and hugged people you didn't know, wished them an amazing New Year. I looked next to me and saw the people I am spending the rest of my year with. They say the people you bring in the new year with are the people that will stay with you the rest of the year, if that is true I wouldn't of wanted to bring it in with anyone else. What a night, what a night, what a night.
I love each and everyone of you and hope everyones New Year was amazing as mine :)



I don’t make resolutions, but i promised myself i’d be simpler this year and stop trying to over-complicate things. c.s lewis once said “don’t use words too big for the subject. don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.”