"But I like To do it"

Untitled from Kristianna L. on Vimeo.

Another day without words. Another night without love. Another minute spent pondering. Another second lost waiting. Another breath without feeling. And another tick of the heart to remind myself, “What are you beating for?” Hope, my friends. Hope. But sometimes this life feels like a pipe dream, and I’m the star in my own dying montage. My only wish is for no edits. No cut and paste. I’m living by gut reaction and instinct. Raw and jolted beauty. Take off your lustful goggles. Get rid of the resumé. Lose your comments of similarity. See me. See me. And still, my existence continues to be syphoned.

I am afraid of crossing streets.
I’ll do it, of course.  But only because I have to, and I’m terrified each second.  I’ve never been able to let go of what they told me when I was a child: “Make sure you’re holding someone’s hand when you cross the street.”

" Didn't matter what you said or did, It never made an impacted like the others.. or you just didn't mean as much like they did"
~Other Half..

“Sometimes I wonder how things got to be like this.  I was a happy kid once.  I really can’t remember the point when things went wrong.  Maybe I just grew up.”

My breaking point.

May 27th 1943 – January 15th 2009
Always and Forever, I miss you soo much and It hurts more and more every day that you're not here anymore... I love you more then anything, I know I will see you again soon, I wish I knew what to say, I want to run round till the pain goes away, I want to stop hearing my mothers voice replaying in my head.. I don't want to cry anymore... I don't want to feel alone anymore.. I can't handle the fact that she is gone.. all I want to do is make her proud look down at us with a smile on her face telling everyone up there with her she has the best grand daughter anyone could ever ask for...
I miss you more then anything



A Month ago today, it all came rushing back, this was the boy, this one the kid you had to know.. school isn't the same without him.. we miss you kid.. I miss you.. I could really use you right now to Cheer me up,
"It is strange how the people you've know for a short amount of time have the biggest impact on your life."-Benjamin Button



Life is neither fair or unfair. Our standards for what we think it should be give our daily happenings the illusion of being just or unjust. But life is simply life. It is constantly flowing, and doesn’t wait for anyone. We can remain in the rapids, holding on to pieces of driftwood and wreckage; or we can let the current carry us wherever it wishes. Eventually, we will end up  there anyway. It’s just so much easier to avoid having to catch up. The past is dead, and there is nothing that anyone can do to resurrect it. Life often has a way of disappointing us, and nothing will ever change that. The most we can do is learn from everything that comes our way and make the moment that we have one of value.

To the heart we go, my love, my darling.  Deeper in and further down we shall sink, until we come to the center of it all.  Your hand in mine, and your eyes turned to my own, tell me that this journey will not be in vain.  It is the darkest of adventures, the most morbid of dreams.  And yet, there is light at the end of it all if you should be with me.  To overcome the shadows, we must first discover truth.  This trek that we have embarked on brings me continued anguish and uncertainty.  And still, I find myself wanting to get to the end of it all.  To give up would be death.  And if the odyssey doesn’t kill us, I think we will find love in the end

HAPPY P.I.E (P.I) Day

3.14 

I sometimes wonder how many parts of my life I would eliminate had I seen their slow, painfully stifling demises. If I could seriously sit down and rewire my life, I wonder what parts I would want to remain the same.

I feel like a big part of my life have been more than a complete waste of my time. But had they not transpired, I would definitely not be the kid typing this. Part of me thinks that’s a good thing and part of me thinks it’s not.

I don’t know why I give a fuck. Those questions can only ever possibly be hypothetical, and in no time will I ever get to sit down and rewire my life. My decisions were mine alone, as are these consequences.

I think I do it because part of me feels guilty for wasting so much, when I could have done something great.

I guess it’s not too late, right? I’m only 18. I can still do something captivating.
Maybe.... :)

Dear Inspiration,

We waited for the train wreck, because we knew it was on its way.  Just a matter of time, we told ourselves.  And sure enough, it arrived in flames and tears.  The horizon held promise but we never made it that far.  Her music filled the room with hope but it died before the sunset.  That room is painted in tragedy now and still I sit in the corner.  Give me the brush, darling, and let me change the shade.  You and I were never cut out for this, yet the cards were dealt nonetheless.  I wish your life still touched with mine.  Until death do we part, but I refuse to let go.  Even in death, my love, your name fills my journal pages.

Are you ever at a loss for words? I spend most of my days locked inside my mind, and sometimes I can’t find the exit. It wont settle for second best. “Your not leaving until this is sorted.” It’s hard to find a train of thought when all your getting is mixed signals and a blinding light to throw you off course. People stir the pot. People sink their teeth in. I’m getting shaken side to side, and I’m a hollow void of thoughts lost in time. High expectations and the calm before the storm. I’m rattlin’ to the bones. I’m just hoping I catch a shimmering glimpse of prophecy in this snow globe that is my mind.

Surreal moments in between silence.  Broken skin and cracked sidewalks.  Is this really what it all leads up to?  Headlights illuminate the fork in the road, and onward I drive.  Some things are better left in the corners of my mind.  Memories of a time when all was well and regret for the cloudy skies.  Batteries are dying but there is still life left.  Just drive.  Drive until nothing remains; drive until the city is behind me and the sun sets it all on fire.  Drive.  No destination and no promises, only the willingness to accept what comes.  Home could be just another recollection. 

This isn’t peace. This is peaceful insanity. I bite my tongue and don’t say a word, just to keep the peace. And there lies insanity. I’m retreating to the fires of my mind, and the result of such tension is fuel to the flames. I’m torn. I want to put these fires out, but their growing by the minute as my mind gets the better of me. Drink up, kid. Where at the bottle neck of your troubles. Appreciation and acceptance. Two things this world seems to forget in acknowledging your existence. I’m mining for gold behind these eyes, and these current thoughts are nothing but dirt. Your worth. Your expectations. Your standards. Will I ever make you proud? Sorry for having dreams and being born with a creative instinct. All I ask for is faith and for you to instill hope in my ambitions, but I’m asking for too much. Because I don’t share your ideologies. I would rather stand out in this beautiful world without mindless shelter. You stand underneath this umbrella to shield yourselves against all that is not welcome in your eyes. You don’t want to be tarnished with apparent negativity. I’ve never shared your weakness. Your walking blind through snake eyes, and little do you know I’m the poisin to your antidote.